This morning there was a light rain falling and I decided to delay my walk until later in the day. I went about doing my morning chores and then after breakfast I stepped outside for my short morning meditation. When I came back inside Mimi asked me where I had gone. I told her I had stepped outside and she teasingly asked, “who were you looking for?”
I had been thinking on the content of my next blog and this simple and powerful question seemed to come at just the moment it was needed. I could say that I was looking for them, or a simple sign that they are still there. It may sound funny as I know they are always there, however I still yearn for some sort of superficial confirmation. One such confirmation occurred just a couple of days ago when the cicada suddenly burst into song on the tree just outside our kitchen door. For some this may not seem significant, however for us it was significant as this was the first time the cicada had ever opened up with their song here, and it was only on that night.
For many years my mind and body were always restless; I was looking for something but never certain of what or who it was. The turmoil in my mind included worry, doubt, and fear. I wanted more, yet when I received more it was never enough. I always pushed forward and I rarely looked back. I covered myself with paint and wall paper, covering the wounds left by run away emotions. I would recreate myself into new images whenever I moved to a new job or position where people did not know my past.
Desperately I worked to become someone who would be respected and with whom I could comfortably spend my time, yet no matter the results, there was an emptiness within that was only abated by time I rarely set aside to be with my family.
Today, I work to reestablish myself and answer the question, “who were you looking for?”
My answer, “I was looking for me.”
God loves you all, love always!