A thousand thoughts fill my head as I step outside in the early morning chill to mediate quietly for a few seconds. These days I am able to quickly clear my mind for a moment and listen to the sounds of nature over those that are created by man. My thoughts come back to me and interrupt the moment of peace that I felt inside so I stopped once again. I turned back toward the house and as I walked I thanked God for all the life he has given me.
I discovered something new to me a couple of days ago. I cannot force myself to clear my mind. It is very interesting to me, that the harder I try the further I get from my goal. I am only successful when I just relax and let myself free. It is in that moment in what I call free fall that I find quiet comfort within.
What does peace within mean? How do I define it for myself and then describe it correctly to you? I ponder this question briefly and then, once again, go to the dictionary for assistance.
Once again we have a word that is overused; filled with multiple meanings that are left to the individual to determine its meaning from the context of what they understand from the speaker.
From Marianne Williamson we get this message. “In our hearts, we keep a door open to some and closed to others. The key to our inner peace, the key to the enlightenment of the world, is to open the door in places where we have kept it shut.”
I reflect back a few years, during the time before I started to write. At that time, during my first conversations with Zophiel he said I could ask any two questions. At that time I was filled with many emotions and I had many questions regarding what was happening; about why I was given the opportunity to talk with him. Honestly, I really did not know what I should ask that was worthy of an answer. I asked others what they would ask if given the opportunity. The results were varied. In
Transitions I included the conversation I had with one woman and the follow-up conversation with Zophiel. Her question, “when will I die?” I asked her what she would do different if she knew. When she answered and challenged, “Because you don’t know, and because you could die any minute, why are you not doing those things now?” During that subsequent conversation with Zophiel he counseled me on the question asked and how I should respond. He also suggested a better question to ask.
To the question “when will I die?” the response was, “you are already dead. You have chosen not to live until the moment you know you will die thus if not living you are dead.”
As to the better question to ask the response was, “How do I love more?” I continued to listen to him as I walked that morning, then asking, “How do I love more?” The morning was very tranquil, walking quietly I heard his gentle voice answer the question I asked, “Learn to love yourself.”
Learn to love yourself. More questions appear when I think about this simple answer that was given to me that morning. What does it mean to love yourself? Zophiel told me that we all come from God; that we are all the same. He said if I could understand this then I would be able to see God within and if I could see God in myself then I could see God in others.
I have thought on what he told me for months; seeking understanding of who I am and why I chose this life at this time, in this way. I seek to know what prevents me from loving myself. There are so many words to use as excuses: anger, resentment, hate, shame, pride, jealousy, conceit, and fear, are just a few that come to mind at this moment. All of these feelings are inside, blocking me from my intended goal; controlled by my own desires.
All these emotions can never be erased and suppression will never free my mind. To find peace within I must understand these emotions and why I feel them above all others. I must open all the old wounds, uncover years of “wall paper,” cleanse the wounds and then let them heal. If I can forgive myself, then I can start to let the purpose of my existence show through the darkness that has tried to block my heart.
Do you love me?
I don’t even know you, why should I love you?
No, you know me as I know you. We all come from the same family. We are created from love and it is to love that we shall all return, we just don’t know it. Look, open your heart and let the light inside, if you are on a path to find peace then learn to love yourself.
God loves you, love always,